Dear B. Scott,
I have been dating a man who is 23 years my senior. He has been married and divorced twice, having 5 kids with these women and had another child with another young lady. I never knock a man who takes care of his children, but sometimes it feels like my needs and wants are not as important because of them. We never are able to make plans to do anything because one of them will call and he just forgets what I want to do and runs to them. I feel that he should set time apart for us, but we rarely spend time quality time together because he often brings them along. I don’t know what to do because I care about him, but not enough to keep coming in last. What do you think?
If you’re being honest with yourself, you knew what you were getting into when you met him. Having six children, two divorces, and a young baby mama represents a lifetime of responsibility and potential drama. As a good father, his offspring will always be his priority, so of course he will come to the aid of his children when they are need. When a man has numerous kids, that scenario tends to happen more frequently. This is just a fact you have to accept if you want to remain in the relationship.
You must consider whether or not you want to continue building a life with someone who, at 23 years your senior, has not only already done that, but is also responsible for six more. Would you rather find a partner who’s closer to your age and build a life together? You have to think about that.
You also mentioned that he has a child by a young woman who he wasn’t married to. Most people have the “that won’t be me” attitude, but often times that’s exactly what happens. Would you want to be another young lady that gave birth to one of his children, AKA Baby Mama #7? If that situation happened to this other girl, who’s to say it can’t happen to you?
Once upon a time, right after I graduated from college, I dated a man 20+ years my senior as well. I found myself in a similar situation—feeling like he had so many other commitments that there wasn’t enough time for us. It got to the point where it felt like I wouldn’t be happy because in the end, my love for him and the great sex we had wasn’t enough to overcome feeling like I was playing second fiddle to the life he already established. Quite frankly, it was just too much of a life-experience gap.
I wouldn’t want you to spend your youth trying to create a relationship with someone who doesn’t have enough room in his life to fit you in, unless you’re completely certain that he is who you want.
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